We can debate whether things are getting better or worse as a society. But one thing we can all agree on: people are becoming more charitable with their time and money than ever before. With school systems and some colleges requiring community service hours, and corporations getting more involved, it’s becoming part of the culture.
The Bubbler is doing our part by announcing the Bubbler Home for Bad Businesspeople House (BHBBH).
We’ve all experienced it. We’ve all worked in places where there was plenty of talent, but just a few key people who’s presence insured that the company would be doomed to either fail (or not reach it’s potential) and the workforce would be miserable as long as they were there.
At the BHBBH, we offer a safe space for all of the worst, ill-suited co-workers and managers in corporate America. By taking in these misfits, we can allow American businesses, that would otherwise be stuck behind the incompetence of these workers, to thrive while making these people feel productive in an environment in which they can do no harm.
The idea is simple: we set up a “corporation” and “hire” all of the poor co-workers and managers sent to us from corporations around America. Then retired executives, who have a record of making positive contributions to their businesses and employee base, will volunteer their expertise and give FHHBBH employees projects and goals to keep them busy until their ready to be retired.
Who will we take in and what will this look like?
At the top of the company will be all of the egotistical micromanagers. There will be no shortage of leadership who will ask for seemingly random, but very specific work, and then say “ahhh… it’s close, but not quite what I was thinking,” without providing any more insight into what they’re looking for. The leadership will never be able to get their head around what the company does and be hopelessly unable to motivate or inspire the workforce.
Anyone who has worked in the same company for 15 years or more, is holding on to the antiquated program that only they have the manual for, or who have no idea or perspective on how work is getting done in other companies, will be automatically admitted.
The most qualified Director-level candidates will be those who could never see there was one person in their company that the entire workforce couldn’t stand and who’s incompetence prevented the entire company from moving forward. They will be deathly afraid of confronting any issues that are hurting the company.
The middle management will be a wide array of toxic personalities, quirks, and ticks that irritate everyone around them. These folks will never communicate with anyone above or below them. When given tasks, they won’t delegate, but instead head into their office for three weeks to develop their own ill-fated solution, and only when finished will they emerge to force it upon the workforce with an unrealistic deadline.
There will be a special division of managers dedicated to visiting the team one day before the project is due to tell them the CEO had a new idea and all of the project requirements have changed – but the due date has not.
The workforce will consist of entitled kids who will all be given “manager” titles, even though this is their first job out of college. They’ll all sit in open floor plans, right across from each other, but will never speak to each other. Instead, they will choose to IM each other, as they talk about the stupidity of middle management’s latest decisions.
On the fourth floor will be a specially created project team who’s soul purpose will be to attend meetings across the company and apologize for their most annoying traits before sitting and engaging in their most annoying traits. They will contribute things like, “I’m sorry, I know I’ve spoken over my allotted time,” before speaking for 20 more minutes, with the apology and feigned self-awareness intended solely to allow them to engage in the mentioned behavior.
Everyone in the company will be required to proof every marketing project before it goes out, and the marketing team will have to make every change suggested.
The sales team will all be located in their own building, three miles off campus. And will be encouraged to ask no more than two hours before any sales call for the special materials they need for that call.
Hour-long meetings will take place every hour, on the hour, from 8am to 5am. Each meeting will last one hour and 20 minutes.
While the kitchen will be forever loaded with snacks and food, it will never be enough quantity or quality for the workforce. But there will be ceramic bowls so everyone can arrive in, without having eaten breakfast at their homes, and endlessly clang their spoons on their cereal bowls for everyone to hear. (No worries… misophonia sufferers will be given offices.)
The company itself will be driven by ill-fated, misguided, short-term runs at profit. The customer will never be considered, and every day will be a new adventure as if it was the first day of the company.
We’ve been giving this charitable foundation a lot of thought, and we think the BHBBH has never been more necessary. The pain and suffering it will alleviate in the workforce will pay for itself in economic growth and prosperity across the US. GDP will rise, and we will reclaim our place on the top of the world power pedestal.
If you have co-workers who can be helped by the BHBBH, you can nominate them by writing firstname.lastname@example.org.