What behaviors in the United States would change if we kept a live, running death toll on the screen of every news station? Would we create a universal 20mph speed limit on all roads? Ban mountain climbing? Make everyone go inside during lightning? Make everyone stay home forever?

The parallels between coronavirus reporting and man-made climate change reporting are notably similar. I wonder why…

I’m amazed no one has yet claimed that CBD oil cures coronavirus. It sure seems to be the cure for every other problem…

I hope the government was tracking who was buying all of that toilet paper as the pandemic was unfolding, because I’m confident there’s going to be a great deal of house toiletpapering once we all come out of our homes.

Celebrities don’t matter anymore (thank God). They’re gone. They’re trying to stay relevant, but at present, we don’t care what they look like or think. We never should have… Will we again?

People in the Midwest suddenly matter. Those who build things. Those who drive trucks and transport our stuff. Those who make this country work. People are suddenly paying attention to them. And not coincidentally, they’re the ones who’s states are least affected.

Our house is like a Clorox-fueled passover. There’s so much bleach on our door, the coronavirus will pass right over us. Sanitizer is the lamb’s blood of the pandemic generation.

Whatever happened to, “they’re gonna do it, anyway?” That’s why we gave kids condoms in junior high school. We’ve decided people don’t listen. Why aren’t we just letting people go on about their business? They’re gonna do it, anyway, right?